Passive Aggressive

I don’t exactly know why, but I can definitely see myself listening to this while writing/rereading all this stuff. Maybe because of that one line… 

As you’ve probably noticed from my prior entry, my writing skills deteriorated. Big time. But maybe that’s just me being overly critical towards myself or maybe this is the effect of me semi-stalking a kpop fan blog. I want to dedicate this entry to all the responsibilities I half-assed (yes, I curse now in my entries) just because I didn’t feel like doing them. I noticed a cycle happening every time I’m pressured to do something. I can’t even go way back to grade school high school college, freshman year to describe to you how this happens, but I noted that this does occur. A lot.

So you may be confused what the hell am I talking about. Let me present to you, my self-denial procrastination cycle!

1. List all of the things I need to get done.
2. Arrange them by due dates and by importance.
3. Tell myself I still have lots of time.
4. Develop an obsession to distract myself from things I need to get done.
5. Remind myself I need to get things done.
6. Cram until the last minute.
7. Repeat steps 2-6.

If I’m going to rant about my procrastinating self, then why title the entry as Passive Aggressive? Well, I think a lot of the instances wherein I crammed is because of my passive aggressiveness. And no, this is not a new realization. I just never articulated it, because… I never felt the need to. I remember in high school, while thinking of career paths (this was on my 4th year – we were filling out our application forms and stuff), one of my closest friends described me as apathetic. She then further told me that she couldn’t imagine me pursuing a specific career path because of that. At the time, I didn’t know what the word meant. I just laughed and shrugged it off. Now that I’m more acquainted with the term, I have to admit she’s right – up to a certain extent. I don’t think the problem is that I never showed any interest in anything; I showed a lot of interest in everything, up to the extent that I couldn’t discern which interest is the most important to me. I think that’s the problem. But I digress.

Whenever I’m asked to do chores, I just nod my head and take my time before actually doing it – and that is just because I don’t want to make my mom angry at me. During projects, I contribute to an extent but I don’t really give it my all – until the last second, because I don’t really want to suffer the consequences of noncompliance and I don’t want to piss off a number of people. Between all these, I find distractions (like as I said in the aforementioned list) to numb myself of all the anxiety and worry and all the shitty feelings I have. I consider this my coping mechanism, because without this (and splashes of love from my friends) I might go insane.

I don’t really think I talked much about anything; I mean, I didn’t even get to elaborate much on my passive-aggressiveness. I hope this makes sense. And because I, who perpetually lose when it comes to closures, cannot come up with a witty ending – I’ll just end it here.