Starting date: January 6, 2014
Has it really been one year already? Wow, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea. I do believe I had a meaningful journey so far, but I guess I am also dissatisfied with the apathy I feel. Sure, I did learn some valuable lessons and I had a lot of realizations against my idealistic views, but I want more. I deserve more. Working like a robot, spending too much time into one thing I don’t want to invest myself fully on; I’ll just have to make sure that on my next endeavor, I am able to fully enjoy what life has to offer.
Do you love Korean dramas? I love Korean dramas. In fact I fawn over them. There is just something irresistable about supressed
lust love; that no matter what the theme of the drama is, the main characters would dance around each other up until the ending melodramatic part of the drama. Seriously, sometimes they don’t even need to kiss. The characters just stare at each other somberly then BOOM! Fireworks. So magical.
See, this fantasy of mine is the crux of my dilemma. I recently went out on a non-date with this guy (well I thought it was just a friendly date but I guess we had different ideas) and things went from good-ish to ruined. Admittedly I wasn’t into the guy going into the date
even though I find him cute and he would make good eye candy, but I figured I should have an open mind and just let things play out. I wished he could make me fall for him, which would be nice since I haven’t spoken with him much since we met. Granted, we had a brief getting-to-know conversation (try 5 days worth of texting) before we went out. But the guy is still practically a stranger for me. And from what I gleaned through our conversation on that ‘non-date’, I realized he’s not someone I’d be too excited to date again.
Stupidly, (on my part) we capped off the night by going to a karaoke place. I saw all the signs but I ignored them: how he started getting all touchy, and convincing me to drink some more. Unsurprisingly, sometime within the night he started kissing and groping me. It was a weird experience, being curious but feeling wronged at the same time. I wanted to reciprocate, and I think I tried for a few seconds, but my conscience wouldn’t let me and I really wasn’t feeling it. He tried to keep going several times but I resisted every time. Such wasted learning opportunity.
I told him straight up that nothing will happen between us, ever. He asked me if I was saving myself for marriage, and I honestly said no. Eventually, I would love to do it – but under different circumstances, on my terms. I was too put off to even think of going on another date with him, although I went mushy and just pretended that everything is okay for the rest of the night. Since it’s the last, might as well make the memory sweet, right?
Guess I’m not yet ready for real-life rated M. Charge it to experience.