A Year in the Making

Starting date: January 6, 2014

Has it really been one year already? Wow, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea. I do believe I had a meaningful journey so far, but I guess I am also dissatisfied with the apathy I feel. Sure, I did learn some valuable lessons and I had a lot of realizations against my idealistic views, but I want more. I deserve more. Working like a robot, spending too much time into one thing I don’t want to invest myself fully on; I’ll just have to make sure that on my next endeavor, I am able to fully enjoy what life has to offer.

What’s next?

First

Do you love Korean dramas? I love Korean dramas. In fact I fawn over them. There is just something irresistable about supressed lust love; that no matter what the theme of the drama is, the main characters would dance around each other up until the ending melodramatic part of the drama. Seriously, sometimes they don’t even need to kiss. The characters just stare at each other somberly then BOOM! Fireworks. So magical.

See, this fantasy of mine is the crux of my dilemma. I recently went out on a non-date with this guy (well I thought it was just a friendly date but I guess we had different ideas) and things went from good-ish to ruined. Admittedly I wasn’t into the guy going into the date even though I find him cute and he would make good eye candy, but I figured I should have an open mind and just let things play out. I wished he could make me fall for him, which would be nice since I haven’t spoken with him much since we met. Granted, we had a brief getting-to-know conversation (try 5 days worth of texting) before we went out. But the guy is still practically a stranger for me. And from what I gleaned through our conversation on that ‘non-date’, I realized he’s not someone I’d be too excited to date again.

Stupidly, (on my part) we capped off the night by going to a karaoke place. I saw all the signs but I ignored them: how he started getting all touchy, and convincing me to drink some more. Unsurprisingly, sometime within the night he started kissing and groping me. It was a weird experience, being curious but feeling wronged at the same time. I wanted to reciprocate, and I think I tried for a few seconds, but my conscience wouldn’t let me and I really wasn’t feeling it. He tried to keep going several times but I resisted every time. Such wasted learning opportunity.

I told him straight up that nothing will happen between us, ever. He asked me if I was saving myself for marriage, and I honestly said no. Eventually, I would love to do it – but under different circumstances, on my terms. I was too put off to even think of going on another date with him, although I went mushy and just pretended that everything is okay for the rest of the night. Since it’s the last, might as well make the memory sweet, right?

Guess I’m not yet ready for real-life rated M. Charge it to experience.

Growing up

2014-09-20 20So I realized I’m getting fatter.. not that I’ve been oblivious about it before. I’ve been weighing myself, and from an average of 85 kilos it became 90 (give or take – my weight fluctuates a lot). I’ve also noticed my protruding belly; it was there before, but now it seems to have overtaken my boobs in girth. This makes me look like a disproportionate preggy, or the tall girl with a beer belly. My uniform is also snug these days. But the final straw that hit me were stretch marks on my arms. I’m definitely alarmed cause I’ve always had stretch marks around my hips, but it’s the first time I had those welt-looking marks anywhere else. The first time I saw them they were angry red, but right now they settled to a lighter shade of pink. Doesn’t make them less alarming, though.

In other news, I have a new found appreciation for my job. Sure, it’s not a role I pictured getting myself into after I graduated, but it’s not so bad. I thought everything I did for the past 7-8 months was mindless compared to my peers, and to a certain degree it was. However, I realize now that my first job helped me curb my indecisiveness and improved my pro-activeness. The me a year ago would be in a state of panic at the thought of something going horribly wrong, much more so when the problem occurs. This is also applicable to the me three to four months ago. Right now, I’ve let go and became less neurotic about things. Whatever’s bound to happen will happen anyway, so there’s no use in fretting too much about it. Not that I’m saying I’ve stopped being spazztic, but that energy sort of transferred to into fangirling almost exclusively.  I believe this is a result of me being stuck in shitty work-related glitches and having to try resolving them less supervision than I’m used to. Whereas before I’d be losing my shit, nowadays I just either laugh or collect myself then get into action. It’s easier to live that way.

Now if only I could translate that to guys asking me out… still an awkward turtle.

It’s been a long while

…since I last wrote an entry. To be honest, with my line of work I’ve had all the time in the world to update my blog; I’ve just been lazy for the past year. Even my book reading took a back seat. Right now I’m just hoarding books with promising reviews and plots based from years of book-hunting – I could not just pass up an opportunity for a bargain read. I am caught up in watching Korean dramas and reading fanfiction to really deal with that. Also I’m trying to be socially active by going out as much as I can (and want to). Go figure.

I remember the last few entries of mine, I was contemplating what to write about. To be honest, in between the time span I was MIA a lot of things happened, but just to reiterate this writer is too lazy for recaps. There is still a shitload of work to be done on my teeth, I still don’t have a boyfriend, but on the bright side I HAVE WORK NOW. Money and time management I haven’t mastered yet, but at least I have work to occupy myself with.

I’ve also moved out of our house. Temporarily. Well, not sure how to I should call it since I go back every chance I get, but I spend most of the time now at work or at my rented condo (with 12 other girls haha). Sure, bedspacing is not the most ideal living arrangement, but when it takes me three hours allowance to shuttle from home to work (and vice versa), living with a random bunch of girls 5 minutes away from work is not such a bad idea. I also get along with them, so everything’s cool.

As for work… granted, it’s not my dream job. Heck, I never pictured myself being in this line of work before. But I’m doing well, if I may say so. I may slip and blunder my way through some things, but I’m keeping myself afloat so everything is dandy. My workmates are also cool (some are annoying, but I’ve accepted that long ago). I’ve been regularized (YAYY!!) a few weeks back, so that’s a relief. There’s this particular position I wanted to apply to, but I’ve been shot down even before I had a chance to try, so.. better luck next time to me.

I also have a crush now. He’s a gym attendant (I know, how shallow of me) but honest, I am not attracted to him because of his body. I think his physique actually deterred his appeal to most of the girls (and gays) in my department. The first time I saw him, I dropped by his work area ’cause I was looking for their manager. By that point I made up my mind that their sub-department are made up of hipon (shrimps – good body, useless head), but my head spun when I saw him. He was just too darn cute, with his glasses and all. Mind you, his body really is distracting – like that of a bouncer, or a retired pro-body builder (but he’s relatively young, whatever). The next time we met, we were introduced over dinner by a good work-friend. Eventually I’ve come to eat with him when I can, trying to be subtle but at some point got busted by one of the bosses who love to tease. I did not deny my attraction – I didn’t feel the need to – but now I’m subjected to endless banter about it. I’m embarrassed and at the same time sort of happy for the support, but I can tell he’s not interested. Or is it just me reading too much into the situation? I’ve heard from one of my colleagues that he is already taken. Hmmm… In any case, I’m willing the attraction to die a natural death, so irregardless of his status I’m enjoying the fuzzy feeling crushing on someone brings.

And… that’s that. Phew. After taking a hiatus from writing, I can’t believe this amount of thought came spewing from my fingertips. I need to talk more to people.

5 Seemingly Non-Life Altering Lessons Learned During My Semester Abroad

I love this list. I myself want a chance to be able to travel someday (and hopefully settle somewhere for an extended period of time) and so this article speaks to me. Dear future Marj, are you reading this? Please hang on to that dream.

Thought Catalog

It’s the classic stereotype. Students from top-50 universities in the U.S. who take a semester or two overseas don’t do anything worthwhile.

I’ve seen it all over the Internet: 20-year-old white girl studies abroad and suddenly thinks she’s cultured. Clubbing, taking advantage of the under-21 drinking age, and rendezvousing with foreigners are all Americans know how to do in Europe. And then, in four months, we come back loaded with filtered Instagram photos of our fancy cappuccinos in European coffee shops and far too many selfies with famous statues and tell everyone how, quote, “Study abroad was amazing.”

The truth is that a lot of American college students embark on the study abroad journey for no particular reason except that they want to experience living in a different country. To many people, this isn’t a satisfying enough reason.

Well, there is no right or wrong way to “do” study abroad…

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Painfully In Love

Well, this has been… painful. Though I think it largely applies to unrequited love (ouch), it still touches a nerve. I’d like to believe that instead of pain and pain alone, love is bittersweet. For why else would anyone dream of being involved with it, right?

P.S. I totally blame my friend for this. I saw her tweet the link and after reading through it… gosh, the feelings, they are scattered everywhere. But I still stand by my take, that love IS bittersweet, and should not be painful.

Thought Catalog

When you love someone, it is not always going to be smiles and kisses and sunshine. That is the Hollywood bullshit that has been fed to us from the moment we were first placed in front of a Disney film. Real love is messy and painful and hauntingly beautiful. There were times I have been in love and felt elated, and there have been times where I realized I was in love far too late to rectify the faltering I had committed.

This is what I know about the painful kind of love,

When you’re in love you will feel out of your mind because after trying to be logical for so long, you’ll realize that you cannot rationalize this one feeling.

You’ll want to be a better person for them, and you’ll replay every mistake and over-think every flaw you have because you’re clawing at anything that will make…

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