Passive Aggressive

I don’t exactly know why, but I can definitely see myself listening to this while writing/rereading all this stuff. Maybe because of that one line… 

As you’ve probably noticed from my prior entry, my writing skills deteriorated. Big time. But maybe that’s just me being overly critical towards myself or maybe this is the effect of me semi-stalking a kpop fan blog. I want to dedicate this entry to all the responsibilities I half-assed (yes, I curse now in my entries) just because I didn’t feel like doing them. I noticed a cycle happening every time I’m pressured to do something. I can’t even go way back to grade school high school college, freshman year to describe to you how this happens, but I noted that this does occur. A lot.

So you may be confused what the hell am I talking about. Let me present to you, my self-denial procrastination cycle!

  1. List all of the things I need to get done.
  2. Arrange them by due dates and by importance.
  3. Tell myself I still have lots of time.
  4. Develop an obsession to distract myself from things I need to get done.
  5. Remind myself I need to get things done.
  6. Cram until the last minute.
  7. Repeat steps 2-6.

If I’m going to rant about my procrastinating self, then why title the entry as Passive Aggressive? Well, I think a lot of the instances wherein I crammed is because of my passive aggressiveness. And no, this is not a new realization. I just never articulated it, because… I never felt the need to. I remember in high school, while thinking of career paths (this was on my 4th year – we were filling out our application forms and stuff), one of my closest friends described me as apathetic. She then further told me that she couldn’t imagine me pursuing a specific career path because of that. At the time, I didn’t know what the word meant. I just laughed and shrugged it off. Now that I’m more acquainted with the term, I have to admit she’s right – up to a certain extent. I don’t think the problem is that I never showed any interest in anything; I showed a lot of interest in everything, up to the extent that I couldn’t discern which interest is the most important to me. I think that’s the problem. But I digress.

Whenever I’m asked to do chores, I just nod my head and take my time before actually doing it – and that is just because I don’t want to make my mom angry at me. During projects, I contribute to an extent but I don’t really give it my all – until the last second, because I don’t really want to suffer the consequences of noncompliance and I don’t want to piss off a number of people. Between all these, I find distractions (like as I said in the aforementioned list) to numb myself of all the anxiety and worry and all the shitty feelings I have. I consider this my coping mechanism, because without this (and splashes of love from my friends) I might go insane.

I don’t really think I talked much about anything; I mean, I didn’t even get to elaborate much on my passive-aggressiveness. I hope this makes sense. And because I, who perpetually lose when it comes to closures, cannot come up with a witty ending – I’ll just end it here.

Update

I’ve been meaning to post new entries, but lately I’ve been lazy preoccupied with fangirling other things so I was unable to do so. There’s actually been a lot of internal drama going on with me, and I say internal because most of these things are just things that are wrong with me. Like, for example, me acting all prissy because I had a misunderstanding with a certain someone, I fell out touch with a friend, and I’m acting all passive-aggressive with my responsibilities. And then there’s fangirl me who has been unhealthily obsessed since two three four months ago and now is unable to stop herself from such ridiculousness. Yes, I say ridiculousness – because even the obsessed girl thinks that becoming a fan for a boy band she couldn’t even sing the songs to because she doesn’t speak their language for fuck’s sake is stupid. But still aforementioned girl is, unfortunately, fangirling like crazy. And then there’s the issue of her laptop not getting enough rest and only depending on sleeps and hibernates

One of these days I’m gonna be royally screwed, and I won’t like it. Provided I’m not screwed yet.

P.S. I won’t even bother rewriting and thinking this through again because there’s a lot of pent up things inside my head.

P.P.S. I deleted my whole drafts folder just now. Even the entries that are about to be finished. Thinking of a fresh start. (And yes I know how BS my guidelines that I’ve set for myself are looking now, considering I haven’t even posted new original material in a month.)

Something to look forward to when every prospect seems bleak. *sigh*

Thought Catalog

Sorry guys. I’m wearing my Carrie Bradshaw pants today. They just fit so good right now for some reason.

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my friend and we were talking about where we felt like we were in our lives. Yeah, it was that kind of lunch. Not the fun, flirty, gossipy kind but the “This may end in tears so we should probs get some dessert” kind. I told her that I felt like I finally got my professional life in order this year but as a result, the world took a giant dump on my personal life. (Which is interesting in itself because my professional life requires me to write about my personal life. Ugh, this has been a really weird year and I’ll tell you more about that later.) My friend, meanwhile, is in a great relationship. The kind that seems too good…

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“Through your actions, you showed me that if I love myself, I should never ill-treat myself for what I think I want, but strive for what I need. You taught me to love myself because if I don’t, I would be indirectly inviting others to trample over me, again and again.” That got me, especially because I feel exactly like that. Lucky for the writer having a lot of feels though, because he/she/ididntbothertocheckthename found that person who changed his/her mind. *sigh* Especially nowadays when I’m feeling antisocial, I want to find this person. More so that I can stop being a cling-on to my one friend whom I talk to on a daily basis.

Thought Catalog

This is a letter I was too afraid to send out, but it comes from the heart. These are the things I would tell him, if we were to meet again.

Dear You,

Hi. I never knew I’d see you again. It has been ages since I last saw you, and frankly I thought that would be the last of it.

Well, apparently not.

The previous time we spoke seemed like ages ago. Memories of being around you are stored in a rusty cabinet, untouched. I can no longer recall your favorite catchphrases, or the way you wear your hair. I can’t remember the way your eyes would dart around the room, or how you were able to make me feel so overwhelmed with emotions.

But I can remember the way you always had that ugly jeans-and-slippers combination on unless I protested, and the way you gave me sad pitying…

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