First

Do you love Korean dramas? I love Korean dramas. In fact I fawn over them. There is just something irresistable about supressed lust love; that no matter what the theme of the drama is, the main characters would dance around each other up until the ending melodramatic part of the drama. Seriously, sometimes they don’t even need to kiss. The characters just stare at each other somberly then BOOM! Fireworks. So magical.

See, this fantasy of mine is the crux of my dilemma. I recently went out on a non-date with this guy (well I thought it was just a friendly date but I guess we had different ideas) and things went from good-ish to ruined. Admittedly I wasn’t into the guy going into the date even though I find him cute and he would make good eye candy, but I figured I should have an open mind and just let things play out. I wished he could make me fall for him, which would be nice since I haven’t spoken with him much since we met. Granted, we had a brief getting-to-know conversation (try 5 days worth of texting) before we went out. But the guy is still practically a stranger for me. And from what I gleaned through our conversation on that ‘non-date’, I realized he’s not someone I’d be too excited to date again.

Stupidly, (on my part) we capped off the night by going to a karaoke place. I saw all the signs but I ignored them: how he started getting all touchy, and convincing me to drink some more. Unsurprisingly, sometime within the night he started kissing and groping me. It was a weird experience, being curious but feeling wronged at the same time. I wanted to reciprocate, and I think I tried for a few seconds, but my conscience wouldn’t let me and I really wasn’t feeling it. He tried to keep going several times but I resisted every time. Such wasted learning opportunity.

I told him straight up that nothing will happen between us, ever. He asked me if I was saving myself for marriage, and I honestly said no. Eventually, I would love to do it – but under different circumstances, on my terms. I was too put off to even think of going on another date with him, although I went mushy and just pretended that everything is okay for the rest of the night. Since it’s the last, might as well make the memory sweet, right?

Guess I’m not yet ready for real-life rated M. Charge it to experience.

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Growing up

2014-09-20 20So I realized I’m getting fatter.. not that I’ve been oblivious about it before. I’ve been weighing myself, and from an average of 85 kilos it became 90 (give or take – my weight fluctuates a lot). I’ve also noticed my protruding belly; it was there before, but now it seems to have overtaken my boobs in girth. This makes me look like a disproportionate preggy, or the tall girl with a beer belly. My uniform is also snug these days. But the final straw that hit me were stretch marks on my arms. I’m definitely alarmed cause I’ve always had stretch marks around my hips, but it’s the first time I had those welt-looking marks anywhere else. The first time I saw them they were angry red, but right now they settled to a lighter shade of pink. Doesn’t make them less alarming, though.

In other news, I have a new found appreciation for my job. Sure, it’s not a role I pictured getting myself into after I graduated, but it’s not so bad. I thought everything I did for the past 7-8 months was mindless compared to my peers, and to a certain degree it was. However, I realize now that my first job helped me curb my indecisiveness and improved my pro-activeness. The me a year ago would be in a state of panic at the thought of something going horribly wrong, much more so when the problem occurs. This is also applicable to the me three to four months ago. Right now, I’ve let go and became less neurotic about things. Whatever’s bound to happen will happen anyway, so there’s no use in fretting too much about it. Not that I’m saying I’ve stopped being spazztic, but that energy sort of transferred to into fangirling almost exclusively.  I believe this is a result of me being stuck in shitty work-related glitches and having to try resolving them less supervision than I’m used to. Whereas before I’d be losing my shit, nowadays I just either laugh or collect myself then get into action. It’s easier to live that way.

Now if only I could translate that to guys asking me out… still an awkward turtle.

Mistaken Identity

One of my friends promotes her ask.fm account ever so often, but especially when she’s bored and looking for entertainment (or craving human attention – but that’s me wildly guessing there). I am a self-proclaimed stalker fan of her (I mean, I did manage to get through hundreds of pages worth of her Tumblr) and so I have made it a habit to ask her random things whenever I see the link in my news feed.

Two nights ago, I visited her page and was amused by the questions recently posed. I figured that this anonymous questioner is one of our friends, because the covered topics were similar to what we were just talking about the week before (also because the writing style is obviously hers *squints*). Anon was typing in song lyrics (which was my habit by the way – ask.fm karaoke with this certain friend) and asking super random question. Some of my questions by then complement my friend’s, me sometimes continuing the lyrics from before or asking following questions. Well for the most part I did ask weird questions myself, but that’s to be expected (one of my high school batch mates has a wall filled with lewd questions and comments; I’m guessing it was from a bunch of guys from the same batch, I just can’t discern who from who – but that’s another story).

At some point that night, I was referring to the other questioner as the perverse anon because the other set of questions were getting more and more… well, perverted. I was tempted to contribute but I held back; I’m too perverse for my own good anyway, why divulge that to other people. We even had a conversation through my friend. All in all it was an amusing night.

Earlier, I was chatting with my friend (who I pegged as the perverse anon from that night) and my friend’s ask.fm account was brought up. I mentioned us having a conversation through that account and she was confused with what I was talking about. Turns out, she was sick since that night (and up until now actually) so she rested. She actually thought I was just having a conversation with myself. My initial reaction was, she must be pulling my leg [conspiratorial face on]  because as I’ve said earlier, I was really convinced that the perverse anon was my sick friend because the writing styles are too similar. But then I realize: there is no reason for my friend to lie to me. Looking back on the other set of questions, it got less and less alike my friend’s after some time. Another wave of realization hits: shit. If that’s the case then I was being chummy with a total stranger. And I’ve been inappropriate, for stranger. Or maybe not (for all I know, it could have been another friend). My only saving grace is the fact that I posted questions anonymously, so no one has to find out about it (of course, except for sick friend because I discussed it with her and she seemed highly amused and entertained by my plight).

So that’s that.

Now I worry about my gut feeling. It doesn’t work.

Lesson(s) learned: Assuming is bad and Thank God there’s the anon option. Though if my ask.fm friend chances upon this entry, I blow my cover.

July 31, 2014: UPDATE! This friend of mine recently went abroad after her graduation, and before we parted ways she revealed that she somehow “discovered” who this perverse anon was. Turns out, it was one of our elementary batchmates (well, her classmate and busmate then) who grew up pretty decently and studied in the same university she was in. By pretty decently I mean currently this guy is cute and witty. It’s just a shame that my friend is as passive as me; her inaction is frustrating, but I can’t really blame her. I wonder how their story plays out…